Diving with Blinkers on Day 5

And the blazing heavens shone with hallowed light, the gloried angels sang “Hallelujah, hallelujah, let us sing in praise”. Oh the humanity. I fell asleep at 11ish last night and woke today at 7:56 a.m. Yes!! I’ve broken the no sleep zone. Fingers crossed I can try and get two nights sleep in a row. Having said that, last night I was mildly tipsy, so I seriously hope I don’t need to be in a state of inebriety every time I want to get a night’s sleep. BUT, it gets better!! On top of sleeping the night through, I also woke and had a tepid shower! Huzzah!! Champion, mate.

Man, looking at that last paragraph, I have to scale back on the use of exclamation points. The problem is, and you will be acutely aware of this if you have read the last few days of my blog, for a wide-eyed Westernized pharang (most likely spelt wrong, I am going purely on phonetics here) in Koh Tao there are simply too many things that demand both a state of shock/surprise/Oh-My-Godishness and /or outrage/indignation. So, until I am used to the zaniness of this place, I suppose we will have to expect a slough of exclamation points.

It is now 8:35 and I am showered, perky and ready to rock and roll…..yummy, time for some rice and eggs. Then a quick pop into town to get some internet connectivity and over to Sunshine to survey the scene. I know I have to assist on the advanced course I helped set-up, but that is not until this afternoon. If I guesstimate rightly, I can finish brekkie by shortly after 9. Getting on the internet always takes me longer than I anticipate, so I hope to hit Sunshine by 11, still giving me a couple of hours to get through some more of my DM materials and start getting ready for a couple of my exams.

Oh and despite my promise and housekeeping rule of yesterday, I feel that I am compelled to break it for one short moment already. Even though it is only day two of the new rules.

So STONE (and by Stone, I hope you know who you are), if you are reading this DO NOT READ THE NEXT PARAGRAPH.

Check this shit out (well literally in this case, sorry Stone, but if you read that line anyway, you have already ignored my warning above, so how bad should I feel really?), I used the “bum gun” this morning!!! “Bum gun” being a term lent to me by Tim, my instructor, who is oh-so-proud of his expertise. In fact, he has now gone so native, that when he goes home to visit family in Canada he has to time his toiletry ablutions with his shower times. Messed up, dude, messed up. It is amazing how much people will share on this topic. Anyway, despite giving it a shot (ha, shot, get it), I can still safely say I am currently not a fan or a likely convert.

Ok, STONE YOU CAN RESUME READING FROM HERE.

Oh, yeah, I went to the “graduation” of 8 DM’s last night from their training. Seriously, how is it that no matter the sport, people figure out ridiculous ideas that involve alcohol to prove that people have finished? In this case, “graduating” student DM’s have to complete the “snorkel test” in order to gain recognition from their peers. The snorkel test involves a bucket that appears to hold approximately 6-8 cups of liquid. Imagine one of those crayola buckets (yeah the big one the snooty kid on your block had). Now fill it with a disgusting concoction of unidentified alcoholic liquids and mixes. In fact, in some cases, add eggs and other food stuffs (luckily not last night). Then take a water bottle, and cut the bottom off. Now take a hose, attach the hose to the top of the bottle at one end and attach it to the end of a snorkel at the other end. You’re getting the idea here, I know it. Make the graduate put on a mask with the lenses blacked out and have the snorkel, with the now inverted McGyvered bottle attached to it, put into the graduate’s mouth. Empty said bucket into the top of the snorkel contraption and watch said graduate struggle to down a bucket as fast as possible while being unable to breath through their nose.(hence the mask). This is what I have to look forward to. You have no idea how many of the “graduates” puke. Lovely.

Get to Sunshine and off we go…yep, my two hours of study time disappear in about the time it takes to say “get your shit together, we’re heading off”. Our advanced student, who was one of our open water students yesterday, is actually a nice guy. Brit bloke who is a schoolteacher back home. His girlfriend/wife/lover is not taking her advanced, but following this the pair are off to Oz for a while to live and work. Strange phenomenon, this is the third couple in three days who are travelling around, have stopped in Koh Tao and are now moving to Oz. All three Brit (although one half of one couple was Italian who lives in the UK). Apparently Koh Tao is the staging ground for a reverse ANZAC invasion. Who knew the land downunder was the world’s land of opportunity.

We get to the boat and there are 6 of us going out for a dive. Our student, John and me and Ted, a DMT (Dive Master Trainee) from BANS and a fun diver (someone just wanting to go out for a dive). Of course, this being Thailand, they send us out on the big boat. The diving is shite. And throughout we have to tell the paying student it’s not so bad. No, it really is shite. The first dive is the advanced’s deep dive. We head down to 83 feet. I can see his fins, but I can’t see his tank. This is like a night dive in the middle of the day. Without a flashlight/torch. It blows.

The second dive we do a few skills then the instructor says off you guys go. So I buddy up with the student and off we swim. We’ve agreed to do a straight square pattern ahead of time for the “free swim” because the visibility is so shit. We head out and kick for 6 minutes east. We then kick for six minutes south. Same for west. It’s when we head north and back to our starting spot that things go sideways. The student is on 80 bar as we head back to base. For our north American readers who are used to psi, that’s about 1000-11000psi. Plenty of air. So far he has been checking his compass too. But suddenly he seems to get bored with that and stops looking at his compass. Instead of heading due north, noob is now heading sort of east. I keep trying to get him to check his compass and head back north but he is oblivious to my protestations. After a couple of minutes I physically stop him by almost pulling one of his fins off. Check air and he has gone from 1100 psi/80 bar to 750 psi/50 bar in three minutes. 50 bar is the no fly zone on bar gauges (it’s 500psi on north American gauges which is actually a little less air in the tank than the bar system), so we have to pop to the surface. Shit kids, it is at this point I realize I have to get my running back in gear and soon…..the 200m swim back to the boat gives me a minor coronary. My only saving grace is the fact that the student can barely walk when we get on the boat. Ha, you fat bastard….I’m still standing!! Yes, I win.

As viz is shit, we’re done early and back at the resort before you can say Bob’s your uncle. Finish some more knowledge reviews, have Natalie check ‘em and they’re good. My first three exams are tomorrow morning. So I have to do some more studying tonight.

I am actually surprised that there was no real zaniness today. Everything seemed kind of normal. Tomorrow looks like it might be a whole other kettle of fish. After two afternoon dives (following my first three exams), we’re taking the student on his first night dive.

Shades of my first night dive in Brockville are coming back to haunt me. That dive was super-retarded and not evening a nice Rainman kind of way. Four groups (or was it five) of 5 people waded out into the St. Lawrence river in the pitch black. So picture zero surface visibility in a shipping channel in very cool water. Now picture the first group going off for a lovely swim with NOTHING to look at. Now picture 20 or so other people heading off behind that group in ever increasing silty water and seeing NOTHING to the degree that you are barely able to even see the person’s fins in front of you. We’re talking close enough to bite the person’s fins in front of you. Oh, and then the fun increases ten-fold when you lose your buddy because you thought they were right by you. It’s an odd sensation when your buddy is a five foot nothing petite blonde and then when you look over she has morphed into a 260 pound spotty geek called Dave. Who smells like stale farts. Yes. Even under water.

So that was my first night dive in Brockville. Made me think night diving was bollocks. Until the Caymans, when I saw some very cool night critters out in the sea. Then night diving became cool again. Except I had two dive buddies. One, the same petite blonde who likes to set the rules and swam ahead and the other who likes to daydream (you know who you are Nova Scotia, you know) and swim 200m behind the rest of the group. I guess this is why I am trying to complete my DM course. This mothering worrying nature of mine constantly trying to make sure my buddies are ok. I ended up swimming about twice the distance of the rest by having to keep the group in sight and then heading back to grab Ms. “Ooooh, look at the underwater daisies”.

They tell you a night light in the water can be seen from way way way away. It’s bollocks. 200m and the light is not so bright. Not that Nova Scotia was overly concerned. She saw a squid while I shit a brick.

Oh……talking of shitting a brick (no Stone, don’t panic….we ain’t talking real shit here), I totally did this morning on my moped on the way to the resort. Oh Lord. Hit a sand bar in the midst of one of the temporary rivers that currently straddle the one road here and then squawked and instant prayer to that bearded dude I haven’t really believed in for years (no not Castro) as my bike swerved and swirled all over the fucking place. I have to say, I was quite impressed with my motor reflexes and my flexibility (which I thought was dead) as I basically had one knee on the ground doing 40 kph and the other leg paddling soupy sand to keep upright. One quick gun of the engine and I burst out of the River Kwai like that picture of the bat on the bike on the front cover of Meatloaf’s Bat out of Hell. Before any of you think it, and I know you are thinking it, knowing a Meatloaf album cover does not make me gay. Look, I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s and Meatloaf was not a gay iconic band then, they were strictly for people in the closet. But in answer to your other thoughts…yes, me in a bright orange raincoat and on a very manly cherry red fully automatic moped flying out of a VERY wet sandbank probably did look quite hysterically pathetic. It was probably helped by the look of sheer terror on my face.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Anyway….the night dive tomorrow is likely going to make that night dive in Brockville look like a walk in the park. Visibility is set to get worse overnight. Yay. John is also thinking of giving me a half tank of air for tomorrow. Our student is pretty bad at his buddy checks and looking over to ensure his buddy is close by. So John is thinking that he will give me half a tank of air. The logic is that if the student doesn’t keep on checking, I will run out of air and then will have to use his octo. This seems like a fucked idea to me. I am hoping John is kidding. A) knowing this guy is bad at checking on his buddy likely means I will have to swim twice as hard to keep in his line of vision, thus using up my air twice as fast and b) his octo….being a rental octo…is likely to taste like the arse end of rancid camel. Ahhhh the life of a disposable DM.
Oh….got some news flashes today. One was very helpful, the other ridiculous. My days of tepid showers are over. I can now enjoy lukewarm showers. On a side note, can anyone tell me why mildly warm water is called “lukewarm”? I always assumed it was because the water “looked warm”, hence “lukewarm”, but a) how does water “look” warm (steam???) and b) why would the spelling change from “look” to “luke”? And if that isn’t the reason, then what the hell has “Luke” got to do with the temperature of water? Is that some weird biblical reference?? Please mystery blog-reader, fill me in. And if you quote wikipedia I will track you down and put very uncomfortable nipple clamps on you….Wikipedia is not a reliable resource. For fuck’s sake, you didn’t know that? Noob.

Oh shit….talking of Wikipedia, I totally forgot to work on my uni application. Now that I called you noob, please mystery blog reader, remind me to get going on my application on the weekend. Thanks. I promise to get a shout out to you in the next few weeks.

Is it me or am I totally rambling in today’s blog? Must be the excessive sleep I had. It’s going to my head. Ok…back to the two pieces of info that I learnt today. One is that if I don’t turn the water on all the way, I can get hotter water. So my choices are now …. Have a dribbling shower and mildly warm water or have a full shower that is slightly warmer than nut-freezing cold.

Second piece of news. The towel I have been using that could dry a family of five is so big because…….it is not a towel. In fact it is a blanket masquerading as a towel. It may be made from the same material as a towel, it may smell like a towel and it may dry like a towel, but as Mamma so eagerly pointed out to me today as I walked down my steps …. “hey, big towel no towel it blanket”. Using the age old Thai saying, I suppose it is “same same but different”. Shit. Now I have to go out and buy a towel.

Oh…..head’s up. Friday’s blog may roll into Saturday’s blog. And Saturday’s blog may roll into Sundays depending on how fucked I get on Saturday and how many things I have to complete on Saturday. One of the DM’s at Sunshine turns 30 tomorrow, so we’re having a 30th celebration for her on Friday night. Then I am going to a second skill set on Saturday to continue to improve my skills. So I may not have time to post on Friday and I may be exceedingly hung over on Saturday morning and then in the pool for hours and then absolutely shagged by Saturday night.

I also plan on going on my first run on Friday morning in the tropics. Yum… sweaty bastard gets even sweatier…..

Und jetz, the blog for today is over…..I am tired and need to read for my exam tomorrow. Guten nacht meinen freunden, I will speak to you all tomorrow providing I survive my half-tank dive and subsequent pitch-black “cor blimey guv’nor, it’s a real pea-souper”.